wrong person

good night. wow, i haven't been up at this time in awhile. usually i'm in bed by 12:30am even tho i know i'm not gonna be able to sleep. yea, i haven't been able to sleep lately which is weird for me cuz i generally fall asleep very easily. i even tried exercising, but then i realized it was just my body that was tired. i guess there's stuff on my mind, but at least now summer school is over for me. the exciting part is that i actually liked school this past session. maybe because i studied or maybe because i liked my bio professor. basically regardless of the grades, school was fun. now that's a strange phrase.

so this is strange. lately when people have said my name whether to get my attention or to just say it, i've had this confused feeling. i mean, i do respond, but for what seems like the first time i'm actually hearing my name. and i think about it before i respond. even if it's just for a quick second. the way each person says it repeats in my head and then i finally respond. i can't explain it to you very well, but i'll try. i think the easiest way for my to say it is...i feel like i've lost my identity. when someone says the name bellamay, for that split second i wonder who they're talking about. because in that exact moment i'm not bellamay. i don't recognize that name. i'm not familar with it. i think it's just the sound of it. it's strange. maybe it's because my name's strange. bellamay is a weird name. haha, i don't know. i can't imagine responding to any other name. i'm not exactly sure what a bellamay is suppose to be like, but i wish somewhere along the lines i remembered what a bellamay was.

there's an association block. i can't associate myself with that name. what the heck?! i am not changing my name!

i feel an urge to search for someone new. i've lost solid ground. but really, i'm not into this whole searching/finding oneself crap. who you are is who you are right now. and that only changes when you choose to change. so i guess that means i am bellamay. weird. right after i said that phrase in my head, i replied, "no, i am not bellamay." now that sounds more correct. man, i wish i knew who bellamay was. hmm...this is something i better resolve soon. identity loss is not good. ask jason bourne. it's tough. or what about sandra bullock in "the net" when they stole her identity. great...now i'm starting to wonder who took bellamay. haha, oh well...i don't know. sometimes mysteries have a way of solving themselves. i guess i should try to sleep now. good morning.