doors don't always close

no matter how hard i slam that door, it always seems to find its way open. i had a dream about a week or so ago. that night before i went to bed i said to myself with a sad face that the door is going to have to be shut. i told myself why and it was done. however that night i had a dream.

i was standing inside my house by the front door. it was open and outside it was slightly gloomy, but beyond that it was bright and it seemed worthwhile. i shook my head and shut the door. as i turned around the door opened slightly as if someone gently turned the knob and opened it just enough so a crack of light shined through. confused, i shut it again. and just like last time, it opened. now frustrated, i slammed the door and it bounced open again. finally i closed it and turned the lock. when i turned around the door slowly opened once again. i examined the door and lock closely only to realize that the metal lock had broken in half. my head bowed down as if it came to a realization. i opened the door just a bit more and slightly frightened. then i woke up.

so why can't i close the door?! it would be soo much easier if i never felt this way. it's like part of me wants it more than anything else in the whole world and the other part...that rational and realistic side of me...is saying it just can't be. it hurts. more time isn't the solution. and then i keep hearing, "you said you were gonna try. we haven't even tried yet." trying isn't as easy as it sounds. :(

ok, that's enough of that. on another note. i didn't walk into the wrong classroom today! on monday and tuesday i walked into the wrong classroom for 2 different classes. haha, classic. i can't run for very long, but hey...i at least tried. :) i'm eager to type more, but i think i'm done for the moment.

Thanks everyone, you're all my heros! (btw, i really like that show.) everytime i hear, "save the cheerleader...save the world." i think, oh crap, am i suppose to save kirsten...haha. mainly because she's the closest person i know right now to being a cheerleader or at least in her case an ex-cheerleader. so don't worry kirs, i'll save you! if u were on that show, what would ur power be?

next entry: 5-year letter. the mind and lifestyle of 14 year-old bellamay. basically when i was 14 or in 8th grade, one of my teachers made us write letters to ourselves in the future along with letters from friends and old teachers. i barely received that package last month during break. it was interesting and reassuring. more on that later. peace!