i really wish jumping out of a plane wasn't so costly. or maybe jumping off of a bridge with a rope attached to your body. maybe i should look into rock climbing. or white water rafting. my mind is all over the place with adventures like that. i wasn't joking in my last entry when i said i needed some sort of adrenaline rush. i don't know why...well actually i probably do know why, but am not willing to get into that. anyways, i was watching that show psych on USA network the other day and one of the guest characters was an adrenaline junkie. i thought it was cool. of course the cautious part of me started to think about injuries and how i don't deal too well with physical pain. i mean, i'm alright with cuts, bruises and sprains, but i've never broken a bone in my life (knock on wood). and frankly if i got into extreme sports i'm pretty sure i'd break that streak. i also figured that i don't want to get an adrenaline rush from doing something stupid like shoplifting or getting in a fight...i prefer the adventurous outdoor type activities. hmm...perhaps i'll be able to accomplish one of those adventures sometime this year...we shall see. :)

so last night i had a crazy dream. i'll try to keep the story short by taking out a few details that i remember. in the dream my family and i were walking to our car. as we walked over to it we passed by a man who was trying to break into this other car. for some reason we ended up just walking past him quickly. then as i was getting into the car i saw, out of the corner of my eye, a gun being pulled out of his pocket. my dad rushed me inside the car and as i closed the door i heard gun shots and a thud. i screamed out, "NO!" and then the "bad guy" opened my door and was about to shoot me. before he could, i somehow miraculously took the gun from him and shot him. but i didn't just shoot him once, i shot him repeatedly. i must have shot him a dozen times and i could feel hate and anger being released every time i pulled the triggered. and then i just stood there staring at his lifeless body, blood oozing everywhere. as i stared. everything else around me became a haze. and then i woke up.

i have to admit that the dream was exhausting. i was very tired as i got out of bed this morning. my mind was also a bit lost and i sat there on my bed for a moment, feet dangling over frances' bed (since i sleep on the top bunk). no great understanding of the dream came to me as i sat there, but then as i pieced together the details of the dream i came across a face or rather the feeling of someone's presence. my grandma was there. it's been such a long time since i've seen her in my dreams. and i thought maybe in all my pent up anger and frustration, she wants me to know that she's here...still watching this family...still watching her son...and still trying to keep a montesa's temper in check. man i miss her.

anyways, i guess i just need to go to the shooting range with my dad or something...haha. i feel bad about shooting that guy in my dream. perhaps he represented a situation that's bothering me rather than an actually person. so does that mean i have to shot the situation in the face?! hmm...haha, oh the possibilities.

okay so that's enough of analyzing that. it's time for bed. good night and sweet dreams...i hope.

note to self for next entry: running =P