as of late

i've been trying to force myself to write. i don't like the idea of forcing myself, but right now it's my only healthy, consistent form of an outlet. these days my thoughts and emotions are so jumbled. emotions manifesting out of nowhere. and, i've been trying to justify things that don't even need to be justified to anyone, not even to myself. generally it's pretty hard for me to express things but recently its become even more difficult. so difficult in fact, that i can't even write about it. bottled feelings are the worse and on top of that, my social skills are declining...haha. i've become very frustrated. i guess, the thing is, i know what i need to get done, but somewhere along the lines i get a little lost. i don't even know if i'm explaining it correctly. i'm just tired of being the way that i am. that sounds like such a pathetic statement only because we control who we are and the choices we make. but in all honesty, that's what i feel like. and i'm sorry for saying that because it's so uncalled for. there's so much purpose to life and so many people who are suffering, yet here i am complaining about something that can "easily" be changed. maybe you can call an "in transition" phase, but i feel like it's more than that. i don't know. i just want to want what He wants for me. no. scratch that. i want to want what He calls me to be. i'm hoping and praying that i'm heading in the right direction because frankly, as much as i know what i'm doing, i don't. and i'm afraid that even when i really do know what i'm doing, i'll still feel this way.

strangely enough we really do live life by ear. we just gotta train that ear to listen to Him.

"I will instruct you and show you the way you should walk, give you counsel and watch over you." -Psalms 32:8

"Lord Jesus, may everything I do begin with You,
continue with Your help,
and be done under Your guidance.
May my sharing in the Mass free me from my sins,
and make me worthy of Your healing.
May I grow in Your Love and Your service,
and become a pleasing offering to You;
and with You to Your Father.
May the mystery I celebrate help me
to reach eternal life with you. Amen."

good night moon.