Real Talk

Something I wanted to share.

My faculty mentor told our reflection group that it's important not to lose ourselves while we're here. (Yes, pharmacy school at UCSF is apparently so stressful that each student is assigned to a reflection group with a faculty mentor where we talk about anything and everything, emotionally, physically, and mentally. And yes, this is mandatory.) He elaborated by saying that for some people, dancing, writing, or exercising is a piece of who you are. So he told us not to let those activities or hobbies or interests fall second to the busyness of pharmacy school. I thought a lot about what he meant by all of that. I considered his suggestions...I'm not much of dancer and although i like writing and exercising, they aren't what make me me. I thought about other hobbies of mine, like taking pictures or making slideshows or shooting nerf guns or playing practical jokes on roommates, but none of those seem to fit what I was looking for. I dwelled on the idea of this "piece" of me I didn't want to lose. I struggled with the idea because I felt like I was losing so much more than just some basic "piece" and then I realized I wasn't looking for a specific piece that I was losing. I realized that since I've moved here, I've been slowly losing myself (my goals, my purpose, my mind, my whole being,) not just some random interests or activities of what makes me me. This is why I've been slowly deteriorating as Bellamay. I know, it's weird, but it's really how I started to feel out here.

Side note: in one of the application essays the prompt was to write about something unique about yourself, kinda like a how do you stand out from all the others. In this section, people wrote about being dancers and writers and phD's and overcoming adversities. I, on the other hand, wrote about my family. They make me who I am, they make me unique. In the absense of their presence, I think I started to let myself slip away. Not on purpose, but by pure accident. And that's why I came to a state of thinking that I'm lost. I'm not Bellamay Montesa.

Now, back to the story. Once I discovered that I was looking for something more, I asked myself, "Who am I?" And then BOOM! Now think...winter quarter, 2009, liwanag. Who Am I? I am YOURS! Haha, it was probably one of my more exciting thought processes since I've moved here. And really, it all makes sense. I've been thinking so much about how I miss home and my family and I remember, before I moved up here, God gave me one clear and direct piece of advice. Something I knew would be extremely vital to surviving this next chapter of my life yet wasn't sure at what moment it would come in handy. He told me, "You are home wherever I am and I am everywhere so you are always home." The comforts, joys, peace of mind, support and love I find at home can always be found in Him. And if I make time and effort to not lose who I am, which is His, then I am always with Him and thus always home. CRAZY! Haha, not really, but it helps to remember this thought process when I'm sad or stressed out and especially when I start to feel like I'm losing myself. So yea, that's what I wanted to share. Actually I had this reflection group meeting a couple weeks ago and I wanted to blog about it, but just never made the time. Then I thought, okay make time to work on my relationship with Him, my faith, and my knowledge of my faith. That's tough and something I've been struggling with since the reflection meeting. Now wait for it. I'm sitting in my room Monday evening (two days ago), desperately searching for a distraction online so I don't have to study, and I decide to check the Mass readings for the day. Beneath the readings this is what I read...

It is never true that we have no time to meditate; the less one thinks of God, the less time there will always be for Him. The time one has for anything depends on how much we value it. Thinking determines the use of time; time does not rule over thinking! The problem of spirituality is never, then, a question of time; it is a problem of thought. For it does not require much time to make us saints; it requires only much love.

--Bishop Fulton Sheen

Therefore, I must think of what I value, which is God, above anything else on this earth, I value God. So I must think of God constantly which gives me time with God and then I will never be away from home. If I'm never away from home because of the comforts and support home brings to me, I can cope, I can survive, I can do all things. Such a simple simple concept that I learned years ago, yet in the midst of transitions, distractions, stress, and loneliness I let that slip and I got lost. But many thanks for the reminders.

I don't know if any of this made sense, but I know that I really needed to write this out and share it with you. I don't open up a lot about how I'm feeling whether in person or on the phone and even more so online, but I came to the conclusion that this needed to be shared in order for me to embrace this personal movement. It's kind of like a sense of acknowledgement and surrender. So now I move forward!

Thanks for reading and thanks for praying. Good day!